Elastic Heart

21.05.2024

Every day is a battle. It is a battle with my past, my thoughts, my body pain and the way it reacts to trauma and with my anxiety. I know I am winning the battle every day, but sometimes I do wonder how long it will take until I am finally able to say " I am healed ".

Since two weeks now, the fear of driving also came in addition. I asked myself so many times why this is.

Also, since two weeks, I start remembering slowly small but significant details about my past. Not in the nicest way, because most of them come in form from flashbacks and sometimes in the worst situation ever, like meetings or when I am in town - which also led to me being afraid to basically go out of my home. So it is clear that we are talking about a generalised fear, not strictly having the root into driving, or going out, or doing anything else. Because when the body is trying to talk to you, it can obviously not express exactly where its issue is. So it does what he knows to do best. It gives you signals. Your body does not know you are now driving, having lunch in the city or that you are at home listening to music. He doesn't know that you are actually not in danger. He only knows that it has stored too much, and it needs to get out.

Sometimes I still see the things like a curse, but they are actually the opposite. If I hadn't gone through them, then I wouldn't have been the woman I am today. I wouldn't be working daily so much on myself to become really the best version of myself. I wouldn't be fighting so hard against my anxiety as I am doing now. I wouldn't be so open to spirituality and I wouldn't have understood so much about how our brain works. So I know the outcome will be great, at some point.

You see, thoughts can heal or destroy you. You choose. Both faith and fear demand you to believe in something you cannot see. You choose. You are in control of your life. Of how you handle it and how you handle your thoughts. I think I wrote in all my articles about this exact theme that I don't need to go deeper now inside.

I am tired. I wake up every day, do 30 minutes meditation, eat healthier than ever, do 1-1,5 h a sport almost daily, then at night I do my affirmations (I love myself, I trust myself, I honour myself, I value myself), do night yoga and then another 30 minutes meditation. Every day now since my anxiety came back. Besides that, I basically fight my own thoughts 24/7, that tell me things I have learned and heard my whole life. I try to transform those thoughts into light and positivity.
When fear comes, I try to calm it by talking gentle to myself and explaining myself that I am safe and nothing will happen because I take care of myself.
When a PTSD episode comes to life, I learned to embrace it. I stopped trying to run away from it, but sit down, and tell myself" honey, what do you want to show me?" And then let it "come to life". I learned to be grateful when it comes, because it means it is a step forward into healing.

I learned to be my own role model. I am learning every day to love myself and appreciate everything I do for myself. I don't always manage everything I wrote above, but I never, ever give up on myself. Did I have a panic attack while being outside? It is OK, because I learned that it won't kill me.

Might sound insane and hell, sometimes I think I am insane. But I know I am on the right path. And one day, it will go away because of all the hard work I am putting in myself now.

Today, 21.05, I lost the battle against my anxiety. But I did it anyway. I drove, I went into places I knew would trigger me, which they did, but I still did it. I lost the battle against my thoughts for a few seconds, but it didn't push me back on my journey. That is life. You cannot always win. This setback make you even stronger. Because I learned today from them. I learned how strong my will is. I learned that some wounds will never heal. I learned that I am doing better than 2 weeks ago.

I learned that I got thick skin and an elastic heart (thanks Sia) To continue quoting the song" They didn't break me, I'm still fighting for peace".
I absolutely cannot wait to see what kind of woman I will come out from this.

Building a routine with things that do you good when having anxiety is crucial. You might not see the results immediately, as I do not see them today, but they are there. Every day a little better. You need to learn to calm down your nervous system, by doing breathing exercises, staying in the emotion, understanding from where it comes from and by showing up every day for yourself. You need to learn how to put boundaries for your sanity and say when things are too much and too overwhelming. And change the pattern that broke you. You are your own saviour, no one else will do it.

Love, 🌜