Healing your inner child

Healing your inner child.

How? Pretty simple—you need to acknowledge what wounded you as a child, realize it had nothing to do with who you are but rather with other people's insecurities and shortcomings being projected onto you, and heal that. Easy, right?

OK, let's stop fooling ourselves. The process of healing your inner child is slow and painful, with lots of ups and downs. It's never linear. Sometimes you'll want to give up because you can't see any progress, and even though you work hard on it, you will still sometimes trigger the wounded child. Did I get your attention now? Are you ready to embark on this journey? OK, keep reading!

Firstly, it's essential to understand your inner child and identify what kind of fears it has. Try remembering what initially caused its pain. We all possess an inner child, metaphorically speaking, because the body never forgets (my favourite line). The 'inner child' symbolizes the aspect of you back when it was innocent and unwounded by trauma. It goes back to a time before you developed survival strategies in response to unfulfilled needs or negative experiences. Failing to heal your inner child can lead to mental health issues, unhealthy copying mechanism development and relationship challenges later in life.

We frequently navigate life in a constant state of fight or flight, and we remain blind from the reasons behind it. Upon reflection, it becomes clear that self-sabotage, excessive emotionality, not trusting others and oneself, low self-esteem, challenging teenage behaviour, and extreme fear—particularly the fear of rejection and abandonment—are coming from unresolved issues that have shaped who we are now.

Now let's talk about what you can do, in order to bring yourself closer to healing your inner wounds. At first, I know how weird this will be, and you will probably not believe in the practices. You will feel like doing something wrong. "What do you mean, I need to talk to someone non-existent?" First of all, I know. But secondly, it is not someone. It is still you. And it is not non-existent. It is still you. That child still exists and needs your attention.

1. So start by visualising yourself back then. Look at old pictures, talk to your parents or family or whoever used to know you as a child. Start remembering how you used to be as a child and what did you like. For me, I liked to be alone. And it was so weird because I always had other children around me, and they always wanted to play with me. But I always preferred staying in with my mom and reading books. It was what gave me peace. I was smiling all the time and dancing in our house. I was also sick all the time. I do remember how I used to have high fever (probably as every child) all the time and used to miss events at kindergarten and later at primary school because of it. And then even later in life, I used to miss also birthdays and parties because of sickness.
   I also remember very clearly how I used to run into the arms of my dad whenever I used to see a dog on the street. I remember the extreme fear I felt in my chest while hearing those dogs bark and the feel of needing to be saved ASAP. And I was saved every time. So guess who now in present time is not able to stay with the fear? Who does everything to repress the fear or when she cannot manage it, looks for rescue? Calling someone, running outside to be surrounded by people while having a panic attack, puts her safe place in someone who will rescue her? It's me, hi, I'm the problem it's me! And now you see how something so insignificant transforms into a pattern in our life?
   If you do not remember anything, just visualise yourself back then and give yourself a big smile. Feel the love for your younger self. The trick is, not to do it one time, but every day. Every day until you start actually remembering you as a child.
   

2. When I started therapy, I wasn't able to remember anything. Not even what happened a week ago. So how should I remember anything from my childhood? Well, it is a process. For me, it was the issue that I was in dissociation for many many years and that is why I wasn't able to remember anything. I laugh now when in 2022 I insisted on going to take an MRI for my head thinking I have a tumor, exactly because I was having difficulties with remembering, among other symptoms. In fact, trauma creates "fissures" in your brain due to the long term fight & flight mode you have been into.

   So with the help of therapy and other methods (Reiki, meditation, actually sitting with myself and allowing my body to bring back memories and events) I am now able to go back even to my 3rd year of life. I remember fragments and emotions from back then. And that means the next step is for you to start remembering part of your childhood that had good but also negative impact on your life. How did that make you feel? Do you recognize pattern that have the trigger back then? If there are small stuff, like the typical one" I wasn't able to find my mom in a shop and I was afraid for 2 minutes" remember, in the eyes of a child, this is traumatic. Now you think to yourself, how can that have an impact on my adult life? Well, it can actually develop into the fear of abandonment. So everything you remember, welcome it. This will help you understand the root of the way you are acting and of your high emotions in different situations in the adult life.
   

3. Give your inner child every day love. Practice affirmations. I have been doing every day those 4 affirmations "I love myself, I honour myself, I trust myself, I value myself" . Maybe you as a child didn't experience enough love, maybe you were never able to develop self-esteem, maybe you always thought you are not enough. Send yourself the love you needed in those moments. Because that love you send out, will return to you in the current moment. You will start loving yourself and appreciating yourself. Treat yourself with compassion you needed back then. And if you ever thought bad about yourself, forgive yourself. And change those affirmations into positive ones.
   

4. Now, this is the hardest one for me. Creating a safe place. But here is the trick, the safe place has to be within yourself. Not in the home you are currently living in, not in the partner you are currently with, not in the friends you are currently seeing. It is you. You are your own safe place. And for that, you have to go back to number 3. You can be your safe place only if you trust yourself that you are actually capable to do it. If you love yourself even on your worst days. If you get to become your own role model and acknowledge how powerful you are for fighting for you every day. Understand that you are enough, and you can love yourself and do not need for others to love you in other to feel fulfilled and safe. Set boundaries with family and friends and whoever enters your life. If you forgive yourself for the mistakes you think you made, or for accepting behaviours you shouldn't have accepted. If you comprehend that you always did the best you could in every situation because you didn't know any better.
   

5. In addition to 3. and 4., you need to make yourself your first priority. Don't mistake this with selfishness, but stop putting your happiness last in line. Treat yourself as you treat others. You are no one's saviour, only your own. Start becoming healthy. Connect with your body through meditation, yoga or any type of exercises and sport, find yourself a hobby that make you feel fulfilled, even something you did in your childhood but stopped now due to "no time".
   

So, now what?

If you think I master all of the above, you are terribly wrong. I am learning day by day more and more. But I am far beyond done. Like I wrote in the first lines, sometimes I just want to be done with this and make it stop. But healing your inner child takes time and is an ongoing process. But if you dot give up on yourself and show up every damn day for yourself, you win. The distance between you now and your healed you become smaller. And day by day you will feel more grounded, more satisfied with yourself, and you can handle challenges better. The journey might be difficult at times, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. I'ved been there. I am there. And sometimes I lose my faith, which is absolutely normal, but most of the time I fight for myself and only for myself. And I started seeing the world into a way more positive way, which helps my anxiety as well. Whenever a bad thought comes, I am (most of the time) able to convert it into a good one. "You will not be able to drive back home because you will have a panic attack" transformed to "I hear you, I appreciate the thought, but we will manage this." The best improvement was when I went from me not being able to look into the mirror to me now feeling a weird sense of loving the person I see in the mirror. Even after I cried 3 weeks straight, I still look at myself and think what a strong, powerful and beautiful human being I am. And for me, this is the biggest win because I never thought I would be able to EVER say that.

So do not give up. It is a healing journey and for each journey, every individual have their own speed of walking until they reach their destination.

Love, 🌜