My anxiety is not real (?)

Therapy session today was something different. I was finally able to see significant progress in my mentality and mental health

I knew Bali and everything I realised there had a lot to do with it but I had the feeling that I was invincible.

It was almost like I was showing off in therapy about how good I was doing. And I really was in a better state. Who would have thoughts that just hours after that I will be having 3 severe panic attacks while driving to the airport, having to stop on the highway in order to not faint while driving. Well, certainly not this miss invincible here.

It’s been a few months since I had my last panic and anxiety attack, that I almost forgotten how it feels like.

If I would be true to myself, I should have felt it coming ever since yesterday. Every since I was listening to a manifest workshop while writing some late night emails and while packing my stuff for Spain and while trying to unclog my nose due to the flu I just had and while I was checking my blood pressure because I felt dizzy from the antibiotics ( or dissociation, I’ll never know) and while trying to clean up the apartment. That is my super chaotic way of being since ever.

So what is it that happened today ? I knew the whole time I was having panic attacks but it didn’t help me stop them. I tried all the methods I learned in therapy and they kept on building up and coming back.

Why is that ?

Well it’s simple (haha). It’s because yet again I was repressing my emotions through keeping myself busy with everything else rather than accepting. I was putting so much pressure on myself without realising how much harm I was doing to myself and to my mental health.

The body is amazing. Is the second time in my life that my body, led by the signals of my subconsciousness, told me girl, enough is enough and you will listen to me right now.

There was a sentence in a book I read about 1 year ago. “Your mind already made the right choice. Now it’s time for your heart to follow as well”

I was yet again making deadlines for myself for when I need to do several things and have several decisions made.

Why can’t I just let life be and surprise me? Because if I do that, than I cannot control it

And that’s the most scary thing ever. That’s my worst fear and the root of my anxiety. Control.

Because I lost control long time ago and now here I am, trying to process that traumatic experience and fighting for my mental health. So god forbidden I lose control ever again, right?

How our mind works is absolutely amazing and it fascinates me every time. Today while having the attacks I was actually processing what is currently going through my brain and through my whole body, almost as I was enjoying looking at the the panic attack from this intelectualized point of view.

“ now your limbs are going numb because blood vessels narrow, causing the heart rate and blood pressure to rise, resulting in decreased blood flow to especially feet and hands.”

I was very disappointed with myself that I have failed ( of course, putting pressure on myself yet again). 5 minutes after this thought came the next panic attack.

Of course, when you feed the mind with negative thoughts, how should it stop how you are feeling? I knew that. I know every symptom. I know where it comes from. And I still wasn’t able to stop it. Because sometimes that’s what my mind and body needs in order to cool down again, until I learn to let go of control and stop trying to make everything perfect.

So that is the thing with anxiety. We usually stress or feel anxious about situations or emotions we cannot control. When you cannot control, you don’t feel safe and our emotions intensify.

If we try to control the reaction to the anxiousness, the situation gets even worse and this is how the panic attack comes to life.

What we should actually do is stay in that feeling and emotion of the panic so that it can dissolve. If we try to control it, it will win. Just like trying to control thoughts, any other emotions or outcomes.

So what I did after, even don’t I know the exact “CPR” moves for a panic attack, was to judge the situation.

Why does it still bother me? Why am I a failure? Why does this happen to me today, I’ve been doing so good lately.

That’s another mistake. Because judgement = pressure and control again.

What I want to say with all this, is that it was a setback. I am sad about but it didn’t kill me. In the moment I was disappointed but I am over it. Because this is how life with anxiety looks like . I had some good weeks without anxiety but it doesn’t mean that it was gone forever and I should have known that. That’s why it is also called chronic dissociative disorder, because it will never actually go away. I just need to learn do deal with the symptoms and with all common anxiety symptoms.

It is normal to not do great every day. That doesn’t mean that you have not evolved a lot in your healing journey

I mentioned this before, the journey is not linear. But with each setback 2 steps forward will come.