The beginning of the journey

I believe many people will relate to the experiences shared in this blog. I want to make it clear that I'm not writing this to cause harm or embarrassment to anyone I know or know me. Instead, my goal is to share a path to healing, a way out of the cycle of trauma. You know, a phrase that I heard in march 2023 and didn't stop using since is: 'the body never forgets.'

That's why I can never go back. Never back to the old me. To the girl and woman who lost her soul, while trying to save another soul. This writing is my ticket out of the nightmare.

I've learned and I am still in the process of learning on how to face my emotions head-on—I'll cry, get upset, or even have panic attacks. Sometimes it feels like I'm lost in my thoughts, unable to see a way out. But then, something changes: 'You've overcome the event.' It's not about forgetting; it's about moving beyond it. Now, you can label that memory, put it away, and know that when it resurfaces, you'll just let it happen because you know it can't hurt you. And that is the goal.

Stepping into the unknown is very scary. That's why most people prefer to stay where they are. You're trapped in the same pattern every day, whether it's good or bad, but you've learned your way around it. It's more like feeding off your trauma because you don't know anything else. I wake up, first check my phone for 30 minutes, then automatically go to the bathroom while in my head, the coffee is already brewing. You already know what your next step will be. Then you smoke your cigarette and the first " heart pounding" kicks in. Now you feel safe, or your mind thinks you're safe because you experience this palpitations every day, so it would be weird if it would just stop. Then you start thinking. Same thoughts, every day. About the past. About what happened to you. About everyone who wronged you. About all your worries. That becomes your safe place. Then comes the dissociation because your soul has had enough of the pain and negativity and wants to escape from your body. You get scared of your symptoms and Google them. Of course, you're convinced you're dying, having either a heart or cerebral attack. Or a tumor somewhere in your body that the doctors still haven't discovered despite monthly blood tests, CT scans, EKG, Holter EKG, colonoscopy and endoscopy, another brain scan after 1 week, and another heart scan after 4 weeks because you still don't want to believe them. Heck, who am I trying to fool here? They've been doing blood tests every 2 weeks. Sometimes a result comes back not perfect and you panic. Okay, I knew it! There was the proof I needed to ensure I'm not insane but sick! But when you do the blood tests again in 2 weeks, they are good, so now it's time to check other possible tests to see what I'm dying from, right?

Okay, let's get back to the routine. So, you're checking your symptoms and probably running to the doctor. You come back again with no 'bad' result other than 'you are stressed' or 'your problem doesn't come from the organ we just checked, so you need to go to the next doctor.' You keep pounding on the question 'what do I have?' instead of 'what is my body trying to tell me?' for another few hours. You go to bed feeling sad the doctors didn't find anything, knowing how poorly you'll sleep again today. You check your pulse once again to make sure you won't die in your sleep. You go to sleep, and 4-8 hours later, you repeat the pattern again."

But that’s the thing. You have used your mind, your brain to go with this every day. For him, it’s normal, of course for your soul and body it isn’t. But sometimes the mind is stronger than the other parts and tells you you need to continue with this otherwise he will get scared. But what you don’t keep in mind is, your soul and body, you as a whole get scared by what is happening. Joe Dispenza has a saying. „ You cannot see the way out of a challenge if you are looking at it every day from the same level of mind, emotions, thoughts and feelings of the past". He helped me a lot. It was the first book I read. Before my spiritual awakening and before deciding to follow the healing path. So the minute you decide to change that is the moment you choose yourself. You choose to heal. From whatever it is you are suffering. For me, it’s severe anxiety caused by trauma and PTSD.

So why am I writing this blog, which I wish to transform into a more elaborative book when the time is right? Not to piss off those who where once maybe close to me or for the friends that stopped talking to me once I decided to take another path in life than they have seen me on.

It is because I would have wished, 9 years ago, 5 years ago and 2 years ago for me to discover this type of articles. I know there are a lot of people sharing their similar experiences, but I didn't think of searching about it until it was "too late". And even if I would have found it on time, I don’t know if it would have helped me. I really don’t know. Would it have given me a reality check? Or would I have still made the same decisions even after reading it? But maybe, just maybe, someone will read it and it will give them the impulse they need to get out. Out of a relationship, a family, work environment or a friendship or whatever it is that is hurting them. I wished back then I would have talked. I wish someone would have saved me and saved me then a lot of years that I have now to heal. But on the other hand, I am also pretty sure, that without everything I have been trough, I wouldn’t have made it so far in life. That I wouldn't have learned so much about myself and the universe. I wouldn’t have become this strong woman I am today. I wouldn’t have met the people that would show me how beautiful life is. I wouldn’t have met the person, that showed me what spirituality is. So if you have severe anxiety and you only concentrate on your symptoms rather then what it gets it triggered, if you suffered a trauma but you don’t want to let it burst out and you keep it inside of you... This is for you. I hope you will find your way and you will heal. Because life is beautiful. Life is full of love.

Love, 🌙