The emotional unavailability within you

So, let's start by explaining what emotional unavailability is.

If a person is unavailable, it is unable to connect emotionally with other persons. They focus more on getting to know the other person, rather than opening itself up. It is even harder for them to commit and discuss their feelings. Inconsistency also plays a big role in their behaviour. And the most important thing, they tell you they are unavailable and not ready to commit to a serious relationship, but you, probably still hoped you can change them.

Discovering oneself caught in a pattern where you keep on drawing emotionally distant partners doesn't occur by mistake. Typically, it comes from our former relationships and their impact on our psychological growth. This often happens from subconsciously replicating familiar patterns as well.

Now, returning to the final night of my Bali trip, I learned something profound for myself. As I mentioned earlier, I realized the importance of communicating my emotional unavailability to others and setting clear boundaries. Despite doing this, some individuals still believed that they could change my perspective and continued to pressure me into opening up. It was during this moment that I comprehended why in my previous encounters, when I was trying to do the same, they run away. 'Oh my, I am so emotionally unavailable,' I screamed, finally realising the significance of those words. While it's easy to recognize emotional unavailability in others and to learn about potential remedies (technically), acknowledging it within oneself... well it is a significant challenge. Even a bigger challenge was to accept the fact that I always blamed the other person for being like this and not realising that you actually attract what you are.

So, why did I never realize this about myself? Well, I've been in relationships my whole life without any significant breaks. I transitioned from a very long-term relationship directly into a 'situationship' (gotta adapt to the kids' language these days), and then almost immediately into another relationship. I thought that after the long-term relationship, I had learned a lot about myself, so I jumped into the next one. During the 'situationship' (I still laugh at this word), I learned about boundaries and not settling for the bare minimum again. In the subsequent relationship, I learned what healthy relationships should look like and put myself first. Three completely different relationship patterns and characters. So, what did they all have in common? Well, read the title.

While one partner wasn't able to open up, the other wasn't able to make or stick to plans, and the latter wasn't able to make commitments. Leaving the first relationship aside for a moment, how does this relate to my emotional unavailability?

Number 2: While he wasn't ready to commit to plans, I wasn't ready to put a label on us nor accept the fact that he wasn't good for me because I knew going to the next one would mean actually opening up to someone.
Number 3: While he wasn't ready to make future plans for vacations, I deliberately committed to a long-distance relationship, even though I don't believe in them and knew it wouldn't work out.

I have an overwhelming need for control—over who desires me, what happens next, the plans I make, and even the timing and destinations of my journeys. When events deviate from my expectations, panic sets in, and my entire life's trajectory feels like it's crumbling. That's precisely the lesson I'm learning now.

Going directly from one relationship to the next, regardless of its duration, reflects a lack of commitment to healing and personal growth. And trust me when I say it, I am the master of this. One of my greatest fears following a breakup is that my ex-partner will quickly move on. Perhaps that's why I consistently rushed into the next -*ship— to ensure that I'd be the first to 'win' and potentially hurt my ex-partner, rather than the other way around. Our egos significant influence our lives, and learning to set them aside can really enhance our healing journey. By doing so, our needs become easier to be heard, and we're better prepared to undertake the necessary inner work.

So, did your ex-partner immediately dive into another relationship? And do you interpret this as a sign that they didn't care for you?
Just trust me, you will be fine (refferal "end of beginning - djo").

This suggests that they might not be ready to engage in inner work; instead, they're attempting to suppress the pain rather than confront it head-on and they are just jumping into something that will probably won't last.

So, what have I learned in the past month? I really attract what I am, so now I'm focusing on elevating my vibration even further than it currently is.

It's crucial to concentrate on yourself and your own interests rather than on the fixating on what your ex-partner is up to and with whom they're involved—you can't control it. If you continue to cling to this need for control, you'll never truly engage in the inner work necessary to understand why you're in this need to control everything in the first place.

I haven't (truly) focused on another man for the past 1.5 months. Instead, I've finally started this blog, continued writing my book, made some significant changes and took some important decisions in my life, booked two spontaneous trips (and I'm nowhere near spontaneous), and ultimately made the decision to move out of my current city and finally chose to which city I will move onto next. These are major milestones for me, as I've always concentrated on the partner I was with rather than on what I truly desire in life. Here's to many more illuminating adventures, like Bali was for me.

Love, 🌙