The in-between

I think I never learned so much about myself as I did this year.

I went from unknown, to recognition, to being triggered by everything, to existential crisis and eventually to wanting to know who I am without my trauma and my triggers.

I had to make the hardest decision of my life this year. Leaving something that I thought is forever. So I changed the whole trajectory of my life, even though it scared me to death.

But the hardest part started right after. Discovering who I was without the home that broke me. Discovering what I like, where my boundaries are and what I am.

During this journey. I met someone. I met someone who brought up the worst in me. Who triggered my worst insecurities and issues. And now I know this was part of my healing journey.

There are 4 reasons why he appeared exactly when he had to.

1. So I can finally break my generational trauma. To break the type of men the woman in my family attract. To break the cycle of us wanting to rescue a man that doesn’t want to be rescued. To stop being in a masculine energy and finally arrise towards the true calling of femininity.

2. He came into my life to show me what real desire and passion means. What liking someone just the way they look, is.

3. For me to finally realize I need to love myself and accept myself.

4. To show how I settled my whole life for the bare minimum just so I can make the other person happy.

I didn’t even settle for the bare minimum. I settled for 0 effort.

It was fine when he only replied 2 days after. It was fine that he always changed the plan. It was fine when he prioritised everything except me. It was fine when he refused to tell me what he did the night before. I accepted everything because I thought, at that point, I don’t deserve more. That’s the thing, we attract what we think we deserve. And when your self esteem is low, you attract someone who will fit right into the pattern. And at the end it wasn’t fine. It was nothing but fine. I was the whole time anxious, crying, overwhelmed by my feelings and questioning the whole time why I wasn’t enough for someone.

But I was enough, more than enough. It was just the wrong person I was giving my all to.

I am so thankful that this type of person came into my life. This gorgeous fully tattooed avoidant man who gave me nothing but trust issues. Because that was what I needed to finally tell myself, I’m done.

I’m done settling for less. I don’t care how long it will take, but I will wait for that man, that will give me exactly what I need and want.

Someone who will text me or tell me every morning „ good morning beautiful“, even after a fight.

Someone who is not avoiding his emotions and feelings.

Someone who will dance with me on Lover from Taylor Swift in the kitchen While we cook.

Someone who makes me feel wanted even on my darkest days.

Someone who shows me how important it is for them to have me in their life.

Someone who is career and family driven.

Someone who wants to get to know my culture and be with me as often as they can.

Someone who will take me on spontaneous trips.

Someone who will send me flowers without us fighting.

Someone who will never made me doubt of why I have chosen them and won’t make me doubt their feelings.

Someone who won’t let me win each fight just because they are too afraid of confrontation.

Someone who will remember small details about me and what I like and what makes me happy.

Someone who will grow with me together.

Someone who doesn’t want us to be a whole, but wants us to be 2 wholes together.

Someone who’s empathy overrule their sometimes dark days.