The ugly truth

I had the time of my life today. I watched the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen surrounded by my friends and listening to melancolic live music. It was such a special moment. After that we went dancing and I had such a good feeling and I felt so happy and free. I made new friends, I also (almost) had the possibility of going home to someone for some fun. Because I thought I was ready. 

The ugly truth? I so wanted to have that one night stand so I can forget. Because truth be told, every second of this beautiful day I thought about him, the 3rd of my most important relationships so far for my further development. I wished in my subconscious that I could share everything that was happening with him. But I can’t.

The universe yet again wanted to show me that this is not the way so it didn’t make the ONS happen. Deep down in my heart I know I need to stay away from distractions in order to heal in another way this time. But it is so hard. Every day I work so much towards becoming a better person and sometimes I would just wish for a break. I wish to feel complete, to finally reach the end of this healing journey.

In my past I used to get over someone by going under someone. It helped because I didn’t need to actual do the work of recovering and healing. This is the very first time I’m alone with myself during a breakup. So right now I feel empty on the inside. Trust me, that’s the easiest way of going into meaningless connections, because you won’t get attached. 

But what purpose do they actually have if they are meaningless? How can you have real fun if it’s something that will be soon done and with someone you will never see again? 

The same with going on dates just to take your mind off the person you are constantly thinking about. What is the purpose of going on these dates if you do not actually want to know this person, but you are just using this situation so you are not thinking about your breakup? 

Do. The. Work. Do the healing. And stay with yourself and with the emotions you are feeling. 

I called this trip dry Bali ( at least almost) I’m actually happy I’m sticking to it, because I’m looking forward to the breakup - healed version of me. That version will thank me for this. 

So another ugly truth? It’s the toughest breakup I have even been in. It’s the most painful one because it is the first normal relationship I had. I have so many questions without answer. Sometimes I go to a dark place in my mind thinking that I mean nothing. But that is when I remember that no encounter in this life is random. People come into our life to teach us something, to help us grow, to show us where our painpoints are or to help us heal.

But, it’s also the most illuminating breakup I have even been in. And that is because of this breakup I found my old self again. The will to live. I was forced to find the safe place within myself. I found out, that a man can treat a woman good all the time during a relationship. And how sad is it, that I needed 30 years to learn that?

I learned what genuine connections means. I learned pure love. And for that I am so grateful. And I learned it’s okay to have flaws and you won’t get punished for mistakes. And that’s the biggest realisation.  

At some point I will write more about the learnings I had from this short relationship, but today is also the day I completely let go. I know I won’t be able to respect this every time, but I’m done thinking about what he is doing, if he is good, if he goes on dates and enjoying them. I’m done asking myself if he ever thinks of me or regrets the decision. I’m not over him, but I am over it. Today was the day I was able to listen to Lover again without getting a sting in my chest. 

Breakups can be heavy to process, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Healing from a breakup is not liniar. It’s associated with a lot of ups and downs. One day you are living your life, the next day you cry all the time. But do it. Cry, let it out, scream. Because it will get better. But process your emotions, don't intellectualize them. Let your body feel the sadness in order to be able to let it go.