Tri desna Healing

When we came to Bali, it was clear for us that we will try to find someone that will do a healing ceremony with us. We didn't know exactly what we wanted, or what to expect, but we knew we want to do it. So we started researching reviews because, even though Ubud is a very spiritual place, there are also a lot of fake healers here ( we also came across one of them). One day a reel appeared from Tri Desna Ubud, so I went on their profile. I was very surprised to see how many followers they have. So I started watching their feed and I was intrigued by the fact that they let you record the session and even have a photographer. Who would want that? I asked myself. Well, spoiler alert, we wanted that. I am so happy we chose to record the session because I am able now to look at the videos and pictures and reminiscence the exact feeling I had in the moment I started screaming.

So we decided to book the whole package: card reading, water purification and blessing ceremony + photographer. Fast forward to 4th of April, the time came for us to do the ceremony. In the moment I went inside I knew already we made the right choice, because I had tears in my eyes even though nothing happened yet. We sat down and while waiting, we heared someone scream. That's when we knew that this ceremony won't be easy. But it was clear from the beginning that it will not be easy. The entire journey to Bali was about to be a crucial turning point for my life.

Firstly, the card reading took place. I will not go too much into detail here, but the moment I went through the door, she told me " you have a very strong mother energy". Funny I thought, I don't even have children.

She continued by saying " but not for your own children, that is not even a priority in your life, but for the people in your life. You grow people." I remembered in that moment how my ex colleagues used to tell me they see me as a mother. It may be something there, I thought to myself.

"Darling, you grow people, you show them where they need to work on themselves and then they leave you. Just like children once they reach adulthood" Tears came in my eyes even before I was able to process what she had just told me. Because it was exactly the biggest issue I was having ever since childhood. Friends turning to me for advice but when it came for me to ask for help, no one was there. I was always a shoulder to cry on, but I never had a shoulder to cry on. I was helping people understand where they need to work on themselves but I was never asked if I was alright. Relationships ending after I showed them their biggest issues on which they have to work on and later them becoming the perfect partner for someone else. I was never the chosen one, only a pit stop. That hit me very hard but it also showed me in that exact moment what my meaning in this life was. I do have the rescuer syndrome which means I always have the need to rescue people and make them feel good, that also alligns with the motherly energy.

Then the purification came. I was walking to the place of the ceremony like I was walking towards the battlefield. I had a very strong feeling of anxiety but not in a bad way. I knew I was about to release some of the trauma my body has stored but I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what I was about to feel or see and that made me afraid. But I didn't turn around, I wanted to do it. The ceremony began while they were enchanting prayers in Balinese. The moment she touched me, I saw darkness. I saw black before my eyes and I started screaming my lungs out. The darkness became bigger and bigger and I couldn't stop screaming and crying. Then 2 sentences came into my mind.

" Your anxiety is not real"

"You will never be touched again without consent"

I felt how my mouth was drying and I was getting injuries in my throat from the screaming but I continued. I continued until the darkness before my eyes became smaller and smaller.

But it was still there. Then, something that I think it was my subconscious started talking to me saying " we are releasing every unwanted touch we have experienced". In that moment, I saw yet again only darkness before my eyes and once again a screaming session started. It felt like forever what was maybe only 20 minutes, but after those 20 minutes, I slowly started seeing a glimmer of light that became more and more vivid. I was able to come back to the present slowly. Everything I saw and felt during the ceremony, it started to slowly fade away. And the weird thing is, it felt like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders after years of living with it. I felt light. I felt free. I knew it is not the end of the process but it was as I have just released at least the majority of the trauma that was stored in my body.

I couldn't stop crying though. I cried because of relief but also because of sadness. See, a few month ago, in February, I started having flashback on a certain topic. I am having flashbacks for around 8 months now, but it was due to the fact that my body was feeling safe for the first time in years when I moved in my own apartment. Those flashbacks were based on the emotional abuse that I was in some years ago. I am even diagnosed with PTSD due to that. But in February of this year, another sort of Flashbacks started. It was due to something that happenend to me in 2009. When they started now, I thought it was a bad omen because of the person I was with at the time in February. That made me shut down my feelings and distance myself from that person. But now I understand, that, yet again, my body was feeling safe for the very first time after 15 years with the man I was currently with and it allowed himself to bring back old stored memories (or trauma). 15 years my body didn't feel secure with the men I was with. Insane.

So when this specific type of flashbacks started back in February, I just wanted them to go. I was afraid of being touched because I knew they will appear again. But now I know I have processed most of the things that happenend in that specific event. I do a lot of meditation where I go back to that night trying to remember what happenend. I do therapy and there we also concentrate on remembering without going into dissociation. But the purification ceremony was a crucial turning point because now I actually feel free and ready to live with what has happenend to me, rather then running away from it.

The last thing we did was blessing ceremony. Helena yet again knew exactly what our emotions are, I can only presume that she as well senses the energies of the people. She told me that my heart is hurting and I need to let go. That I should take the things that hurt me and put them into a snowball and then imagine how I am going into the deepest point of the ocean, where I release them. How beautiful is that?

I do that sometimes even now, when I feel my heart is in pain.

We can manage everything in life as long as our mindset stays positive. For every setback there will come a win. For every hurt we endure, we will also be able to heal. We just need to trust the process.

For everyone who visits Bali, and is into spiritual healing, I absolutely recommend going to Tri Desna. I already have 2 people I met here that I have recommended going there and were as happy as I am with the experience.

I will definitely come back next year for another ceremony!