What is trauma bonding?

Let's start with some knowledge sharing:

The term of trauma bond can occur in abusive relationships, which can go from emotional, to physical abuse. When there is an imbalance in power between individuals, it can lead people to become bonded to their abuser. This bond is very strong and very intense emotional and, of course, very toxic. So if it is toxic, why do people stay in this emotional bondings?

Well, this is because our brain learns patterns from the moment we are born. Repetitive behaviours give the brain the sense of a safe zone. It doesn't make sense, right? Because how can something that is bad for you, create a zone of comfort? Let's say, every day, for 10 years, the first thing you do when you wake up is putting the same song on. This is what I mean with repetitive behaviour. You train your brain to a certain way of functioning so it perceives it as something "normal". So this is why the brain itself cannot recognize if a pattern is bad or good, it just stores it as an automatic way of functioning.

Another important factor in a trauma-bonded relationship, especially for individuals with low self-esteem, is the cycle of extreme highs and lows. This alternation between positive moments and negative events significantly impacts brain function. Positive moments, like approval and care, contrast sharply with negative ones, such as abuse and neglect. These very sporadic rewards trigger dopamine release, causing the brain to associate the toxic relationship with potential pleasure. This reinforces the behaviour, making it more bearable to remain in the cycle because the brain is conditioned to expect a high after each low.

Fear plays a significant role in trauma-bonded relationships, just as it does in many other aspects I discuss on this blog. The fear of change, the fear of leaving, and the fear of living differently are powerful influences. Fear generates anxiety and stress, which are particularly influential for someone in a trauma-bonded relationship, leading to more cortisol spikes. These fears overwhelm the rational part of the brain, driving individuals to remain in familiar, yet harmful, situations.

So, whenever someone asks you why you didn't leave, you can explain it as above. There are also many factors that could serve as an answer to this question, but the truth is, none will bring you relief. No explanation or scientific research will make it better. Rationally, once you were able to leave, yes, you definitely can understand it. But what I learned this week is about "acceptance." I've read numerous books on psychology—how the brain functions, trauma, trauma bonding, PTSD, mental health conditions, neuroplasticity, the nervous system, and more. Yet, none of them taught me about acceptance.

This week, I was asked if I had accepted a particular situation from my life. I answered yes. The next question was, "What exactly did you accept?" The first thought that came to mind was, "That I was stupid to..." and I stopped. At that moment, I realized my toxic pattern of self-relationship. The lack of sympathy and love for myself, which is still present in my daily behaviour, became clear. Changing these patterns is incredibly hard—it's a constant battle with yourself. Until you stop battling yourself and start fighting for yourself.

When that answer popped into my head, I realized I hadn't accepted it internally, only rationally. I was still finding excuses for others' behaviour and blaming only myself, instead of accepting the situation as it was and understanding that I did the best I could with the tools and knowledge I had at the time. I am who I am today because of those moments, with all the good and bad experiences that have shaped my brain and my life. Now, I know I have the power and will to change the love I give myself and to work on my self-esteem so that I won't let something like this happen again. I will choose myself in every harmful situation and leave behind anything that doesn't do me good.

What I want to say by this is, sometimes we need to stop looking for explanations and start living. Trying to understand why other people handle as they do, will make you bonded to the past. The only way of letting that go is by accepting and moving on.

Love, 🌜