"Why do I attract only toxic partners?"

I had a discussion with a friend a few days ago:

“If I had one wish left, it would be for me to have a girl as a child, not a boy. You can educate a girl, send her to karate classes, and teach her to be strong. A boy is so fed up with society and its ideals of manhood that it’s nearly impossible to raise him to become a good man these days.”

How absolutely heartbreaking is it to wish to not have a boy because of the fear of failing to raise him to become a “normal” man?

When did our society break the ideal of a man? But then again, was there ever an ideal?

From the beginning of time, women had no rights. They came into the world to serve their families and husbands. A woman didn’t have a real purpose in life besides family.

Work?

Sure, you could work in agriculture or maybe in the market, but for no wage or money comparable to what a man would have earned.

Over the years and eras, this slowly shifted, and women were able to slowly climb the ladder that men had already been on for 100 years already.

I’m not a history enthusiast, so I’ll give an example I know, but surely there is more evidence to support my point of view. In Germany, women were allowed to study only in the 1900s, and Elizabeth Blackwell was the first female to finish medical studies and become a doctor in 1849.

What I want to say with these numbers is that men have always had their paths defined, while women had to fight to be integrated into society. Because that’s what it is: theirs, and we’re slowly being allowed inside.

Society never really broke down a man because it actually never taught him what kindness looks like, show emotions, that it is okay not to be okay, or that maybe, just maybe, it is alright not to work every day to feed the family but to stay at home with the children while the woman works because she likes to. That it is absolutely alright to go to therapy to work on your problems and issues from childhood, where you learned that emotions in a man do not exist.

So, where are the good men for us?

Firstly, everywhere. If I hear one more time that there are no good men in this world, I’m going to scream.

So the next question would be, why do you attract only badly behaved men or men who don’t treat you right?

1. You attract what you are. If the pattern you attract is the emotionally unavailable one, then so are you. Stop trying to fix them, and go fix yourself. If you go from toxic relationship to toxic relationship, then maybe it’s time to understand what is happening inside your head and where this pattern came from.

2. Secure men are boring. Why? Because they don’t give you butterflies, right? But do you know what they give you? A life full of happiness. Someone who stays. Someone who won’t throw a glass in your face because you had an argument. Not only that, but someone who won’t try to kill you because you didn’t let them drive drunk and hid their keys. Butterflies are not there to tell you are so in love. It’s your gut feeling telling you to watch out.

3. Because you are too afraid to take the leap into the unknown, you prefer to stay within the confines of what is familiar to you. Instead of mustering the will to pack your things, leave everything behind, and start a new but a fulfilling life, you choose to remain in your comfort zone.

4. You re-enact what you witnessed at home during your childhood. Your concept of love is shaped by your observations as a child. Did your parents argue constantly? Did one parent give the other the silent treatment for days after a fight? Was one parent abusive, either by yelling or through emotional manipulation? If so, you may believe that this is what love looks like, and as an adult, you endure similar treatment because you think "this is love."

   
   

   I have focused on the roles of women and men because I narrate from my perspective as a woman who has had relationships only with men, and because most of my female friends share their stories from their relationships with men as well. However, this applies to all genders and any partnership where one partner believes they only attract toxic individuals.

   So, stop blaming everyone else and take action. Do not settle for less. Work on yourself, learn how to love yourself, understand why you attract toxic partners, and strive to improve. There are plenty of good men and women out there; you just need to recognize, deep down, that you deserve them and leave everything that is not good for you behind.