Ice Cream Man - Part 1 (Introduction)

There is always a reason for everything: for everything that happens in your life, for every person who enters your life, and for every event that affects you. You may not understand why it happens at the moment, but once you start to reflect and delve deeper into the meaning, you will understand it.

Trauma occurs when something bad happens in your life that scars your soul and, consequently, your body. These scars leave lasting marks on you. Some scars never fully heal, but they become smaller and smaller day by day. They are a part of you, and it is up to you whether you let them define you or embrace them with grace and move on.

I have been left with scars multiple times in my life. Some have healed, some are still in the healing process, and some will stay forever. I have been fighting with them for over a year now, and actually in reality my whole life, but I have decided to embrace them because only by doing so can I move on.

I do inspire my articles from my private life, but I also use this blog to explain different personality traits, behaviours, personality disorders and mental issues.

Today, I don’t want to discuss any new disorders. Instead, I want to get more personal. I have about 20 articles written in my drafts that I can’t bring myself to post. They all feel too personal. So, I thought I might start now with a fresh, more personal one, to slowly build my confidence to share the others eventually. I want this to be the introduction of everything that will come. The Ice Cream Man - Part 1.a.

For a long time, I've been out of touch with my feelings. I can’t control my emotions or my reactions to seemingly trivial things that appear meaningless to others. This comes from years of being unable to express myself, afraid that any mistake would lead to consequences. I struggle to feel joy, or I'm afraid to, because my next thought is that something bad will follow. This pattern has been imprinted in me. Today, I laughed a lot, and then my dissociation went up, making me feel like I was going to die because I felt too warm in the sun. Logical explication for this nonsense? My body expects a low to follow every high, even when there's no reason for it.

Some simple examples for why is that:

I was told no one else would ever love me, and I should be grateful for any attention. The next day, I was the love of their life, someone they couldn’t live without.

If I broke something, I was punished, but the following day, my clumsiness was the sweetest.

I was called ugly, fat, and useless, but after dressing up with makeup, a tight dress, and high heels, I was paraded around and praised.

I was mocked for trying to post on Instagram, yet the next day, praised for my follower count (before I deleted most of them) in front of everybody else.

I was mocked for coming from "a country full of cheap women," but the next day, they talked in front of their friends about Romania's beautiful women, including me.

In private, I was called dumb, but in front of everyone else, I was praised as a smart, career-driven woman.

Well, this is emotional abuse. I was told to stop labelling it, but I can't. Because this is exactly what emotional abuse looks like, and this should be spoken more out loud. And it can result in severe anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder, as it has in my case and of so many people I know but are too afraid to speak up or even worse, to find the root cause, even though it is sometimes very clear from where it comes from. This type of abuse, like any form of abuse, leaves deep marks that are hard to heal. My scars are invisible to the human eye—unless I have a panic attack, but for me, it is a daily struggle and battle. My brain operates in a constant state of hypervigilance, and it's exhausting to continually try to calm my nervous system.

I never learned to love myself. That is why I ended up like this and in this situation. I never learned boundaries and what real and beautiful love should look like. But that’s okay, because I’m learning now. And I’m not exaggerating when I say this is the most beautiful journey I've ever embarked on. I discover more about myself each day and understand myself better as time passes. I’m beginning to understand why I react the way I do, and I’m working on changing that. However, the past years, marked only by anxiety without understanding what it was, felt like hell on earth. I often joke that I’ve been to hell and back, but it’s no joke. I spent years in dissociation, forgetting everything, constantly in fight or flight mode, thinking I was going insane due to my symptoms. Now, I am healing. I was in a mental hell. But I came back. So here it is, saying it out loud as a form of acceptance:

It was emotional abuse when I received the silent treatment for standing up for myself.

It was emotional abuse when I was isolated from my family and friends because I couldn't talk about what was happening to me.

It was emotional abuse when I was constantly told to kill myself because the world would be better off without me.

It was emotional abuse when I was pushed to do things I didn't want to do, like standing up for something I didn't believe in.

It was emotional abuse when I was punished in the worst ways for every little mistake.

It was emotional abuse when I was made responsible for the other person's feelings, even though it had nothing to do with me, and blamed for everything going wrong in their lives.

It was emotional abuse when I wasn't allowed to cry and had to hide in the bathroom to cry alone on the floor, feeling like dying.

It was emotional abuse when I was blamed for absolutely everything.

And it was emotional abuse when I was manipulated and gaslighted into thinking I was always at fault, always wrong in discussions, and that my way of thinking was incorrect to the point where my reality was distorsionated. To the point where I actually started believing this and everything else about myself.

For those who wonder why someone would stay in such a situation: What is trauma bonding? (mytraumamypower.com)

And for those who question who would have such low self-esteem to endure this behaviour, I don't have a published article yet, but an introduction to this topic would be: Healing your inner child (mytraumamypower.com)

It is not fair. It's not fair that I, or anyone else, had to go through this. But what's important is what we learn from it and how we use that knowledge. For me, I learned exactly what I look for in a partner: that secure, easy love. I learned that the right man will accept me for who I am instead of trying to make something out of me that is not real. I learned to recognize gaslighting and love bombing immediately, and when to set boundaries. I learned so much about psychology, neuroplasticity, and psychosomatic responses that it became a part of my daily life to read and learn about it. It's like a new hobby. This also helps me in my day-to-day life to help others see things more clearly than I used to.

And most importantly, I learned what it means to actually love myself and to be okay with who I am, so I can recognize my worth.

More about this to come. Soon part 1.b :Gaslighting and Love Bombing as Forms of Emotional Abuse.

P.S. Why I chose this title, you will find out, once part 2 will be out. :)

Love, 🌜